Depression

This one might be a bit short it might not be,  that being saidim going to leave a trigger warning here if you are triggeredby mental health and suicide please stop reading now

 

So i have had a very long few days and Master has been supporting me where he can ( 6 hours away and working ) i have depression and have since i was a young teenager from my brother’s death at 12 and then my grandfather’s death at 13, i have struggled on and off for years over it.

Master knows of my illness and im seeking medical support in the form of anti depressants, i feel so ashamed that i let myself get this bad again… but Master says its easier to get help when your on bottom then on cloud 9

I had a suicide attempt on Tuesday I spent the day in hospital on suicide watch then i was let out to go home with an appointment to get help… Master wasn’t happy with me but said punishment wouldn’t help me right now but make me worse, he said when i visit he will let me have one free choice pick for something to do with Master, but if i do it again and dont tell him about hurting myself or wanting to hurt myself he will punish me

Im not going onto details of why i did what I did and what i used to attempt to end my life, but i was and still am in a dark place within myself…. i beg Master to punish me to get the feelings out, Master is happy to let me have a good time to work through this, i miss having Master close to me so i can have him hold me while i cry and feel lost and alone

Master has always been a good support for me in the past he was one of my best and close friends before the failure of an engaging and relationship, he has always been there for me… one of the reasons i fell in love with him in the first place

I do still love Master but its not the same love we had before, this time i love him with everything within me hes seen every part of me and all my flaws and my darkness that is my depression.

Im hoping to get some time and money together to see Master soon, i miss him alot but sometimes I feel like im annoying him when i talk to him but if i dont talk to him he gets mad at me, its two edged sword, he got nasty with me when my phone lost service for a day, i found a free wifi hot spot and could talk to him for a little and just saved myself from a punishment.

Im feeling better since my attempt with Master’s help and some good friends support also my cats are helping loads with cuddles

Im going to leave this here for now,

Sugar xx

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Depression

Ignoring the Submissive

Master is ignoring me, has been for four hours, im hoping he fell asleep as he set 10pm for play time with me and i never got a reply from him since 9.30pm….

I feel like im going slightly crazy always checking to see if he’s seen my messages on facebook but he hasn’t

I hate this its almost like a punishment when he does this to me it sets my anxiety off big time and makes my mind think about things i shouldn’t be thinking about, Master hates my jealously and thats where my mind goes right there and its terrible… i hate that it happens

Its 2.09 am and im trying not to think about bad stuff, the unspoken word we have of dont ask if you dont wanna know is really eating at me sometimes i dont want to know about Master touching looking kissing or fucking other women I just want to be with him wrapped up in his arms listeningto the sound of him breathing his heart beating in sync with mine

I feel so stupid wanting that just wanting Master close to me but im still a women who has needs next to being his Submissive

So long for now

Sugar xx

Ignoring the Submissive

The long distance Submissive

I start this off by saying that I am 100% committed to my Master and what he says goes, i ask him to go out and spend time with my friends, none know about this and wouldn’t approve of this, my Master is my ex fiance and that in itself is hard enough, i am his first Submissive as he is a very new and inexperienced Master, he is learning quite fast and is picking a lot up from my help, im not a first time Sub i have been twice before both times to men who took it way too far with me and never respected the safe word or my comfort, my only use was to get them off and that was final.

Now back to the topic, im not very good with back stories and such and I dont want to go back into the past or to talk about my previous Masters and their control issues

My Master is a far and good Master even if hes still new to it… i was never forth coming with what i wanted in the relationship between us and we broke up, within all the heart brake that was our failure of a vanilla relationship we started talking to try and save the friendship we had before we where ever together, the topic of BDSM came up one night and i told him i missed the life of being submissive to a Master to have the rules and the regulations that a Submissive has i also missed the punishment as strange as it sounds, it was a strange choice when he said he wanted to try the life but he didn’t know how to say it to me while we where together.

 

The relationship between us failed for a few reasons lack of communication being a big part of it, we both are very bold personalities and when we fight we are fighting, we spent as much time fighting as we did having sex

The sex was amazing… i was a borderline sex addict and he was happy to see me pleased… he was willing to give somelight things a go like chocking and spanking but wasn’t too sure after that, i was happy with that and didn’t want to push him being only 20 and his first serious partner that wasn’t a teenager, i was 24 when we got together and he was 20, we are now respectively 25 and 21.

His age was only an issue a first with me as i dont like dating young but i gave him a shot and im glad i did, hes funny and has an amazing personality we are very alike at times. We moved too fast and that also added to the death of everything, im trying to find my balls to ask for another go at this but more so before him being my boyfriend but my Master my owner, I  have fallen in love with him all over again in a different way

 

He has seen the dirty kinky side of me the side i hide and he hasn’t turned his back on me cause of it, he wants to see more of it play with it tease it have me begging for it, i welcome it on my knees waiting like a good girl should, im starting to like this life again… im feeling like i should be, i missed this life and i want to stay…

Master lives 6 hours from me now, but we make it work in our own way, he talks to me everyday he still gives me jobs to do like any other Master would his pet, i still please him even if its just video calling or through nudes, we are making it work in our own way we have rules and boundaries set up and in place we both know the rules, i have jealously issues and i dont like Master with other women but its something that I have to move past

I know this is all over the place but its good to have a place that i can talk freely, Master doesn’t know about this blog yet  but i will show him in due time

 

So long for now

Sugar

The long distance Submissive