This one might be a bit short it might not be, that being saidim going to leave a trigger warning here if you are triggeredby mental health and suicide please stop reading now
So i have had a very long few days and Master has been supporting me where he can ( 6 hours away and working ) i have depression and have since i was a young teenager from my brother’s death at 12 and then my grandfather’s death at 13, i have struggled on and off for years over it.
Master knows of my illness and im seeking medical support in the form of anti depressants, i feel so ashamed that i let myself get this bad again… but Master says its easier to get help when your on bottom then on cloud 9
I had a suicide attempt on Tuesday I spent the day in hospital on suicide watch then i was let out to go home with an appointment to get help… Master wasn’t happy with me but said punishment wouldn’t help me right now but make me worse, he said when i visit he will let me have one free choice pick for something to do with Master, but if i do it again and dont tell him about hurting myself or wanting to hurt myself he will punish me
Im not going onto details of why i did what I did and what i used to attempt to end my life, but i was and still am in a dark place within myself…. i beg Master to punish me to get the feelings out, Master is happy to let me have a good time to work through this, i miss having Master close to me so i can have him hold me while i cry and feel lost and alone
Master has always been a good support for me in the past he was one of my best and close friends before the failure of an engaging and relationship, he has always been there for me… one of the reasons i fell in love with him in the first place
I do still love Master but its not the same love we had before, this time i love him with everything within me hes seen every part of me and all my flaws and my darkness that is my depression.
Im hoping to get some time and money together to see Master soon, i miss him alot but sometimes I feel like im annoying him when i talk to him but if i dont talk to him he gets mad at me, its two edged sword, he got nasty with me when my phone lost service for a day, i found a free wifi hot spot and could talk to him for a little and just saved myself from a punishment.
Im feeling better since my attempt with Master’s help and some good friends support also my cats are helping loads with cuddles
Im going to leave this here for now,